PETCO FUCK OFF

Here is another fucking hundred dollars. Now go the fuck away please. The bird is NOT taking a nap. Trust me on this one.

Panhandler in front of Petco: good point; here's a couple bucks.

Damn I feel good now.

ELIGHTENMENT VIA PANTS CRAPPING

The man crapped his pants. The man told his boss that he crapped his pants. The man got in his car. The man got stuck in traffic. The man was Elightened.

ST. HELEN'S' VOTING PIGEON!

"Fuck hawks, fuck doves, I'm voting goddamn Pigeon. We will eat all your corpses and your corpses corpses." Said the mountain. When asked if the mountain was implying that it voting Libertarian, it would not respond.

Onlookers agreed that there was no way to interpret the cloud as anthing but a pigeon. Not hawk, not dove. Pigeon.

When Officer Whoopsie, everybody's favorte cop, pointed out "Pigeons are doves, asshole." his mace accidentally discharged and the crowd dispersed.

MY FRIENDS ARE RESCUES
And they are really quite well behaved. A few are hand-shy, and one still pisses in the corner. But only sometimes; when I make quick movements. Some were from cubicles, but most suffered from severe neglect and abuse. Come to papa, don't worry now.

TEENS AT ROVE PARTIES

Teens are risking their lives at underground "Rove-Parties". Flashing lights, hypnotic drumming, and repetitious chanting characterize these parties. "It's great to be one!" said all the teens. Office Whoopsie, everybody's favorite cop, could not be reached for comment; but was seen leaving the party with a fucking boatload of Kool Aid.

BAG OF ANGRY SEAGULLS

Got another tired dinner party? Same-faces blues? Yeah? Well I've got a bag of angry seagulls that you can have, cheap. Walk in to the dinner party, and let the motherfuckers loose in the goddamn dining room. They are big boys and consitently do amazing damage. If you have a video cam, they might forgive you.

ABOLISH THE UNION

Really. Let's call it quits. This was a failure. It's over and it's going to end very badly unless we take it apart carefuly. I've got a screwdrive and a pair of pliers. Thanks for helping. Office Whoopsie will be providing security.

HOMELESS CRIBBAGE PROBLEM

"Aaurhh ffhteen twho, ffteen fucking tree, bheetch ffifhteen fou motherfucker." (sounds of retching)

"Still gonna fucking skunk you, toothless whore."

CLERK BUSTED FOR SELLING LIQUOR TO A MINOR DEMON

"Minor demons' cocks still have barbs on them," said Officer Whoopsie, everybody's favorite cop.

"The LAST thing I need is more demons with something to prove, running around with LOWERED INHIBITIONS and big ol' barbs on their cocks!"

When questioned, the Clerk responded "It didn't smell fishy to me."

SEX SWING VOTE

I'm too lazy to get into bed to fuck. And I vote.

Thanks tho for the money for the tickets to Thailand. What? Who? Fuck, I donno.

I'm still kinda scarred from my first swinging vote experience in the booth in '00 with that Buchanan dude.

CORNER OF FUCKERED AND IRREPARABLY FUCKED

The United States has been jailed on charges of vagrancy for lingering too long on the corners of Fuckered and Irreparably Fucked. "I swear we are just about move down Irreparably Fucked.", said the majority of voting-age non-incarcerated U.S. citizens.

Officer Whoopsie, everybody's favorite cop, said "Fuck 'em. I'm tired of watching 'em bicker. Let 'em eat their young." And it was good.

LOVEY, FETCH ME A SCUMBAG

Voice recognition and photographic evidence have lain to rest the disputes of John Kerry's exact whereabouts during Christmas of 1968. Laos? Nope. Vietnam? Nope. Close, but in his very own immortal words "No one can pull the wool over my eyes. Cashmere maybe, but wool, never."

He was with Lovey.
On Gilligan's Isle. (and i'm voting for the douchebag anyway)

A.N.W.R. CARIBOU VOTING RON JEREMY

"We love Ron. His little penis makes us giggle. He's kinda cute too. Oh yeah, keep attacking Iraq! Blood for oil! Go! Go! Go! Now! Attack! Annex the dirty motherfuckers! Get their oil now!"

ASPHALT EATING BACTERIA

C'mon weenie mad scientist, bring it on! It can't be that difficult, bring it! Engineer that shit and let it loose! I won't tell a soul. Promise.

You need some street-cred, eh weenie mad scientist? Oops, sorry. Poor choice of words. Just bring the shit.

IRS: "POT'S LIGHT MOTHER FUCKER!"

Ante up you cheap cocksucker! It's no fun playing America with you!

You get up, brush your damn teeth (this isn't England, rot-boy), scratch your eggs in private, and ANTE UP goddamn it!

You might be road-kill, you might pleasantly fucking stupid and maybe just possibly, contentedly mediocre: but you've got to ANTE THE FUCK UP.

ASHCROFT DECLARES BILL OF RIGHTS FORGERY ALSO

John Ashcroft came forward today with conclusive evidence that the Bill of Rights was a forgery. "No American has ever been able to write that pretty with a dang feather: it was a china-man. And that's treason. End of story."
Most scholars agree that the other seventeen amendments are pretty much down the toilet as well.
"Grab your ankles America, I'm striking the sodomy laws."

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO MY SUICIDE BOMBING (SATIRE, protected by amndt #1)

So I'm driving and the Koran audio book is skipping badly; seemingly spitting out the word 'WHORE! WHORE WHORE!' over and over. But I know Allah is in charge, just like he is of all my whitey friends who talked to me about foolish Zen.

They are depressed. They like to take drugs and be mindful. I was on my way to commit suicide, you know what I mean? Anway, I hit a red light, and this woman in high heels and tight red shorts comes to my window... The next day, I'm not so certain what to do with these explosives. Maybe I can go to gun show and sell them. I'll take a loss, but you know: Bubbles helped me sort out a lot of my depression and anger issues. I like her. She told me to vote Republican "All the hookers do, you know." What's good for Bubbles, is good for me, know what I mean?

POST MORTEM DEPRESSION

"I thought things would be different. I mean, crossing over and becoming a being of light among the clouds, I just figured that I'd be happy or at least feel something, you know? I still don't know what I want to do; and all the other beings of light don't seem to want to be my friends. I really don't feel like doing anything."

Grab a fucking beetle shell, child; and try again.
As above, so below.
Fuck off.

DON'T MAKE ME PUT THIS DOG DOWN.

Swear to god if you don't shut yr fat yap this second, all the powdered lime jello in the world jammed down the sweaty ass-crack of a fat Republican blogger riding his banana-seat bike isn't going to distract you from my two front teeth planted into your forehead.

And then I'm going to put this dog down and you'll truly wish you were dead motherfucker.

NEON HUMAN FREAKS

Hey you, Christian! Are you one of them that believes in Rocketship Crapture carrying only 144,000 of you away forever? You must be pretty fucking spiritually hardcore. I bet you could snort a bucketful of LSD and not bat and eye you're so fucking in tune with the endless godhead.

You want hardcore? Look above: Do you see that there were only 9 NORMAL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AND THEY ARE ALL DEAD NOW. That was it; the only ones in the history of the human condition who were on the paying side of the sideshow. Compare 9 to 144k. Game over, freak show.